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Im sure some of you know, I am back in the US, back in Minnesota and back in Mankato. I arrived back in the states last thursday after deciding to resign my position in PC Tanzania. There were many things that led me to that decision and frankly, it would take a while to explain it all. My thought process was pretty complicated and I am not sure I understand it all fully. In the end it was a personal, gut decision that told me I did not want to live in Tanzania for the next two years of my life. I'll give you a few of the "highlights" that led to me coming home and maybe you will begin to get the idea.

I began my PC application almost two years ago. I started over thanksgiving break of my senior year of college. A lot has changed since then. Two years ago I wanted to see the world and have an adventure. Do something challenging. At the same time it was an excuse that I used so I wouldnt have to look for a job or check out grad schools. But after waiting a year after college, getting paid very little for work that had no pertinence to my future, living at home with no car of my own and saving what little money I could, I felt like DOing something. Right now, the slow pace of the PC and the few tangible benefits left me feeling ... unsatisfied.

My experience in the PC was not as sour as I might be making it seem. Training was amazing, my Tanzanian host family was incredibly inviting and helped me out tremendously. My fellow volunteers were awesome. Full of cool people with amazing past experiences and wonderful views on the future. Incredibly driven people with truely good intentions. As training went on and life at our site loomed, it dawned on me that I was not as excited as others. I was excited for a change of scenery but not so much to live on my own and begin "work". I realized my personal motivation would be tested and I it ultimatly dawned on me that it was not as strong as I had thought.

And my immune system never seemed to agree with the food and water I was consuming. I was sick a few times during training but never for more than a few days and my family took care of me well. I wouldnt say I was healthy when I went so my site after swearing in and within a week I was incredibly sick. I took a trip to Dar Es Salaam to get medical attention and I began thinking about what I was doing in Tanzania. I began realizing how important health was to not only myself but to everyone who lives in a rural environment so far away from healthy food and medical attention. This didnt make me feel very good considering the hospital in my area was not adequate and my trip to town for a balanced diet was nearly impossible if under the weather. So the sickness put me in a bad mood and rather pessimistic about my whole situation but I was not going to allow myself to make a decision I would regret while I was pissed off and sick. I recovered after getting some medication for intestinal bacteria. After discussing my feelings with PC staff I told them I needed to give site another chance.

I returned to my site healthy and in a relatively good mood. However, I quickly confirmed my earlier feelings that this was not going to work for me. I did not feel like I could live in my village for 2 years and I didnt see the point in sticking around for very much longer. I could not act as if I was going to help the people of the village when I had already made up my mind. I called PC on friday and let them know I would be in Dar by Monday and I wanted to resign and return home.

After a few days in Dar filling out paper work and getting everything straight I had a flight for wednesday night. And about 27 hours after leaving Dar I arrived in MSP on thursday afternoon to an entirely different world. Personal vehicles, fast food and 4 lane highways. It feels very good to be home. So I figure I will watch some tv, cruise the web and look for a job. Catch up with friends and family. Enjoy the weather and wait for that first snow fall.

My first solo trip to Dar

So my sickness continued to a point where I could no longer function at my site. I am an hour bike ride away from the road and a two hour ride from town which is just physically to demanding to do when you feel like garbage. Fed up with feeling like crap and not knowing why, I called the medical office and took a trip to Dar to figure it all out. So with a headache that wouldnt leave me alone and a temperature hovering around 102 that kept me in a constant sweat, I got into Mafinga to board the bus which was supposed to be there at 8. I was told it was late because of all the police road blocks so at about 10 I was informed the bus would be there shortly. About 20 minutes later I watched my bus fly past the bus stand and I half chased after if for a few hundred feet. I then went to the guy who sold me the ticket and he assured me in swahili that I will get on the next bus. So this guy sold my ticked to another bus line and put me on another bus which was over capacity a bit. So i stood but I was finally in my way to Dar not much more than 3 hours behind schedule. I was crammed into the back seat of the bus with 4 other adults and 2 children. About an hour and a half later one man left and I took over the window seat, thank god, I was burning alive. So I sat there straining my neck looking out the window trying to keep cool. You are of course not advised to fall asleep on public transportation because you things will almost undoubtedly get stolen. So after a 3 hour night of sleep the night before I sat there sweating instead. We made 2 stops, 1 I actually got out, used the bathroom and bought some juice. At the other I just bought stuff from the vendors that shove shit inside your open windows and they yell prices at you. Of course the woman next to me had to buy eggs so she leaned completely over my lap as I am trying to drink my mango juice and yelled at the guy with her head out the window. So she paid for the eggs brought them back inside and then yelled at the guy right infront of my face for some chumvi, salt of course. I couldnt shut the window fast enough so no one else could buy anything. With the window closed the temperature soared somewhere near boiling point i am sure. So by the time we got back on the road after the second stop we were still over 4 hours out of Dar and nightfall was not much more than an hour off. Another man from the back row departed at our second stop so that left an empty seat next to me. This was soon snatched by a child who prefered to stand up and look out the back window. I wasnt excited. The thought of putting my feet up... to good to be true. Shortly after dark, about an hour from Dar the child gets restless. He gets up and looks out the window again but something is definetly different. An odor fills the back row that apparently only I notice. I slam my window open all the way and stick my head almost fully outside. This child had surely just pooped his pants. I had no doubt about it. After a bit i bring my head back inside and find the mother checking the pants of the young culprit. Apparently she finds nothing worthy of action and leave the child alone. So for the rest of the ride I choose polution and exhaust over the smell of human feces. As we pull into the bus terminal, I remind myself not to touch the seat as it could have been smeared anywhere. So I get a ride with some taxi driver who has decided to screw me for everythign I own tonight, this was the first taxi ride i had been on where the price just kept escalating after we had already negotiated it. If i had anything in my stomach this would be the time to throw it up in his back seat. That would have been sweet but insteat I pay this man a rediculous amount of money and go into the hotel for the night.

I have been in dar now for a week. Getting healthy so I can return to site. It has taken a while but I think everything that was wrong with me is better now. I havent felt this good in probably close to a month. I still have not really checked out my market town of Mafinga yet. There are a couple of internet cafes there which I could concievably get to once a week. so for now I will leave you. there are still more test results that need to be known.